


A Saved Message

by Annie46fic



Series: Declarations of Love [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Drabble Collection, Future Fic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 18:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/903614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie46fic/pseuds/Annie46fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Only . . . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Saved Message

You are so fucking stupid. 

I found your note tucked behind the bedroom mirror in my trailer. You’d written it on that stupid _Sponge Bob_ paper that you’d bought for Thomas and never gotten around to giving him. I can’t believe you did that, can’t believe you didn’t ever tell me how you felt.

Of course I remember how we met, how we auditioned together just you and me, puzzled because there were no other actors involved. It was easy to get along with you; you were the most laid back person I had ever met, specially in this business. I could tell you were nervous, missing your family but you were so determined, so determined to be the best you could be. I liked you from the first; you were so sweet, so perfect. So fucking beautiful.

Yeah, there was always a woman. Being gay in Hollywood is career suicide but you know that. Danneel is the only other person I have ever told about my sexuality. I’ve never let anything slip out until now and I can’t believe I’m leaving this confession on a fucking voice mail. I hope to God you are alone when you finally listen to it.

I thought you were so in love with Sandy. I saw how down you were when you broke up with her. I never guessed – not once – that you didn’t love her. When I moved in with you it was innocent, I wanted to comfort you, be there for you but it was pure torture. God, how I wanted to touch you, kiss you. If only you’d said something, if only I WOULD have guessed. I never knew you were in love with me just like I was in love with you. 

Danneel was one of my best friends. She never minded being my beard, was good for both of us helped me and it helped her profile. We were never serious but I couldn’t tell you that. When you went off and got engaged to Gen I really thought it was true love. How was I to know that you did it because you thought there was no chance with me? How was I to know that you were hiding all those feelings? You cried at your wedding, I saw you cry, saw you hold her and dance with her. Shit, it was hard to stay cheerful and sober that day but I did it for you, never realized that you thought you were doing it for me.

10 Seasons and not once did you say a word. I knew you wanted a film career and I wanted to direct. I used to fantasize that I directed you in a bestselling movie, used to imagine us walking the red carpet together, you thanking me when you collected your Oscar. You are a great actor and I knew I could get the best out of you. You always gave me 110% when I was directing you as Sam. Not that I would have expected anything less.

When Thomas was born you were so happy. How was I to know that he was just a desperate attempt at saving a marriage that was already doomed? Danneel wanted kids too and it was the least I could do for her. She had tied herself to me knowing that I was in love with someone else (not that I ever told her who). I love my daughter and wouldn’t hurt her for the world but I wish that we could just be a family, you, me and our kids. What a perfect fantasy – and how fucked up am I that I still want it?

And here we are, 10 years down the line and at the end of it all the same. You’ve gone and left me with just this note. I know you’ve gone to Texas and I know that you’ve some free time before you start filming but whether I’ve got the courage to come after you remains to be seen.

No, we’ve never seriously kissed and, although we were both aware, we’ve never really talked about the fans and their _J2_ fantasies either. God, if only you’d known just how close to the mark some of those stories were, how much I wanted them to be true. Yeah you never knew I read them did you? It was the closest to having you I thought I’d ever get. 

So here it is, MY confession and I am determined that we will see each other again. It isn’t going to end here Jared, it isn’t right and I’m not shocked or even horrified but I am surprised. We did have more than just friendship but both of us were too fucking stubborn and scared to do anything about it. We have wasted nearly ten years and I’m definitely not to going to waste any more. 

There is a plane to Texas tonight and, if I hurry, I can use my fame and money to get a seat on it. I’m not sure I will and I’m not sure I should but this is it, this may be the one chance I’ll get to tell you everything.

You are so fucking stupid, but I love you and if you love me then there is always a chance – isn’t there?


End file.
